


The Fifth Time

by Rivermoon1970



Series: Time and Again [6]
Category: Criminal Minds
Genre: Caretaking, Falling In Love, Hurt/Comfort, Implied Physical Abuse, Implied/Referenced Drug Use, Love, M/M, Slash
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-12-26
Updated: 2014-12-28
Packaged: 2018-03-03 15:45:02
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 2
Words: 8,484
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2856320
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Rivermoon1970/pseuds/Rivermoon1970
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Spencer was kidnapped by Tobias Hankel, a young man who has dis-associative personality disorder.  Spencer goes through a horrible experience and Aaron tries to help pick-up the pieces.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This is a longer story and will have a part two. Dealing with Hankel and the aftermath.

_Now:_

“All of you knew? I mean, you knew before, ah before we told you?” Spencer had walked over to the kitchen and listened for a few moments to the conversation his friends were having before he asked the question.

Someone started to move toward him but he took a step back. He didn’t want to be touched at the moment, he felt fragile, almost like glass and he felt if someone else touched him or hugged him he’d break into a thousand pieces. 

“Spence,” JJ smiled, “We all kind of guessed, but we never talked about it, not really. It was between you and Aaron. But, we all noticed things”.

Spencer frowned, he was still trying to find his footing, but he was glad that his friends had disregarded his wishes and came anyway. As much as he wanted to push them away, to be alone, to crawl into bed and never wake-up again, he was glad they were there because it made him believe that he wasn’t going to fade away.

“Can I ask what it was?” He asked and there was confusion and sadness written all over his face.

JJ smiled and tentatively took a step towards Reid, when he didn’t back-up she laid a hand on his arm, “The extra coffee breaks at that little coffee stand outside the office”.

“Lunch breaks together in his office. You two would sit a little too close on the plane during briefings a lot of the time.” Morgan said as he smiled.

“Sometimes when Aaron was trying to pull the best from you, the two of you would stare a little too long at each other”. Jason also chimed in with a bemused smile.

“When you were having you’re headaches how the hotel room assignments would mysteriously change. We knew he was taking care of you”. Rossi looked at Reid with raised brows and a small sad smile.

“He would worry just a little more with you when you would get hurt. He cared about all of us, but with you it was always something more”. Alex had come in behind Reid and she gently laid a hand on his shoulder.

“None of you…” Spencer moved forward a little, moved a little closer into the circle that they had unconsciously made. He suddenly felt safe there, safe and protected.

“None of us what kid?”

“You know I’m a 47 year old man Morgan, I stopped being a kid a long time ago”. 

“Hey, you’re my little brother, you’ll always be a kid to me, no matter you’re age. Now what were you gonna ask us pretty boy”.

“None of you thought I was to blame?”

“Blame for what Spencer?” Rossi looked at him quizzically.

“For Haley leaving him?”

Rossi took a deep breath, “Spencer, Haley was leaving him by inches. She knew who and what he was but after Jack was born she expected him to change. She expected him to become something other than what he was”.

Spencer swallowed hard, “And what was that?”

They all looked at Spencer and smiled. Morgan looked in Spencer’s eyes and said, “A man who was in love”.

Spencer didn’t hold back the tears this time, he let them come and they all closed in a circle around him, showing him their love and support. Showing him how much they would always be there for him. They let him cry, but they held him up and didn’t let him fall.

Just then there was another knock on the door. Will, not wanting to interrupt the circle of friends went to answer.

When he opened the door, there was Penelope Garcia and even in funeral clothes she was still a bright beacon.

“Hey Will, how is he?”

“Hey cher,” He pulled her inside and gave her a hug, “He’s in the kitchen with da’ others. He’s havin’ a hard time Penny”.

She moved in and everyone else let go. The bubbly analyst walked over, took Reid’s face in her hands, placed a kiss on his cheek and said, “He wouldn’t want you to fade away on us. Please promise me, if it get’s bad, you’ll call me”. She smiled at him as she reached in her purse and pulled out a small decorative bag, “Here, these worked their magic before, maybe it’ll help again”. She laid a hand on his cheek and wiped away tears from his face.

He slowly opened the bag and inside was a mixture of nuts and seeds. When Reid saw what it was he actually smiled for the first time that day.  
__________________________________________________________  
 _Then:_

_Hotch: Reid [bends down and reaches for Reid]_

_Hotch: Are you okay?_

_Reid: I knew you’d understand_

Hotch grabbed the young genius in a hug and held him close. He didin’t want to let go, but he knew he had to. The EMT’s checked him over and recommended he go to the hospital to get his foot looked at.

“Hotch I’m fine, can we just go home? I just want to go home”.

“Reid this is not up for debate you are going to the hospital”.

“Fine,” Reid said defiantly.

Hotch walked away for a few minutes to call Haley to let her know what was going on. He also told her that he was going to stay with Spencer for a couple of days to make sure that he was okay. Haley didn’t argue, in fact this time hearing what the young man had gone through she didn’t begrudge Aaron this one. She still hadn’t confronted him, but she knew now was not the time.

Hotch had seen. Spencer didn’t know that Hotch saw, he thought he was being careful, using his well honed slight-of-hand to hide what he was doing, but Hotch saw Spencer take something out of Tobias’s pocket and he had a sinking feeling he knew what it was and it worried him. For now, though he just wanted Reid to get checked out and he went with the young agent to the hospital. The Doctor told the team that Reid had a sprained ankle, that the abuse to his foot didn’t do too much damage, fortunately. He had a minor concussion and the Doctor asked that Reid be monitored, which Aaron volunteered to do. No one argued, you didn’t argue with Unit Chief Aaron Hotchner when he took a firm stand. The Doctor also said Reid had minor cuts and a lot of bruising as well as a tiny fracture in his cheekbone, which would heal just fine if he was careful.

They thanked the Doctor and one by one they went to check on Spencer to make sure he was okay. Then when they were reassured, they made their way to the hotel. They were flying out early afternoon the next day and everyone wanted to try to get some sleep. The only person that stayed behind was Aaron. He saw to the discharge papers and in a few minutes they were out the door and on their way to the hotel. 

Once inside their room Aaron had changed into sweats and a t-shirt and got Spencer in the shower. When it felt like too much time had passed he went to check on Spencer and saw that he was sitting on the edge of the bathtub, shivering and not moving. Aaron grabbed a towel, wrapped it around Spencer and kneeled down in front of him.

“Don’t leave me, please”, there was such a desperate tone to Spencer’s voice that it broke that delicate state that Aaron had been living in since Spencer had disappeared. Aaron’s head fell in Spencer’s lap and the dam finally broke and Aaron was openly sobbing. This took Spencer by surprise. He had never seen his unit chief breakdown, ever. “Aaron, Aaron, I’m right here”. Spencer threaded his fingers through Aaron’s hair, giving the older man some reassurance.

After a few moments Aaron pulled himself together and looked up, “We thought, I thought I’d lost you. I don’t know what…Oh god Spencer I should never have sent you and JJ out there…”

Spencer lifted his hand and stroked Aaron’s cheek, “Aaron, this wasn’t you’re fault, not yours, not JJ’s. Don’t blame yourself…please?” Spencer bent his head down and kissed Aaron. He couldn’t help it, he wanted, no needed to feel something good, something clean. They broke the kiss and after a minute Aaron helped Spencer into the bedroom. He took care to wrap the young agent’s ankle like the Doctor explained and grabbed several pillows to put under Spencer’s foot to elevate it. 

“I’m going to go take a shower, keep that leg elevated. I’ll be back in a few minutes”. Aaron went in the bathroom, shut and locked the door, then went through Spencer’s discarded corduroy’s and found the vials. Aaron sank to the floor and just held on to them. He wasn’t sure what he was going to do, but he was determined to help Spencer. He didn’t want Spencer to go down the same road that his brother Sean had gone. So he stood up, found the small switchblade he kept in his travel bag and broke the seal on the top of the vials and dumped the contents. He then put the empty vials in his bag and proceeded with his shower, trusting himself that he did the right thing.

When he got back to the bedroom he found that Spencer had fallen fast asleep. Aaron buried the small travel bag deep in his go bag then lay down next to Spencer, pulling him in tight. 

Spencer stirred and looked over at Aaron and said quietly, “Aaron, make love to me, please, please I need you…” Tears were flowing down his face.

“Spencer…”

“Please, I just need…I need to forget, I need to feel good, to feel something clean again, please…” He begged and the pleading in Spencer’s eyes Aaron couldn’t resist. He pulled the pillows away and slowly stripped Spencer naked, trailing needy kisses down his body, caressing everywhere, feeling himself harden as he felt along the lines and planes that was Spencer Reid.

Aaron’s mouth slowly descended on Spencer’s hard cock. He started at the soft sensitive tip, sucking and licking along the slit. He started to suck harder, hallowing his cheeks letting himself feel every part of the soft silky flesh, “Fuck…” Is all Spencer could get out. All of the pain from the last couple of days was melting away and Spencer wanted more. “God, Aaron, more….I need…more”. Aaron licked down the length, tonguing the dark throbbing vein. Spencer threaded his hands through Aaron’s short dark hair lightly stroking and pulling, Aaron’s moans of pleasure at the sensation made Reid smile. 

Aaron then took all of Spencer in his mouth sucking harder, and faster, while kneading his young lover’s hips, holding him there, reassuring himself that Spencer was there and grounded. Spencer was panting and writhing beneath him and the movements went straight to Aaron’s own cock. 

Aaron pulled away and Spencer felt the loss, “Aaron?” He questioned, then felt weather roughened lips press against his own soft ones. The sensation was heady and Spencer wanted more. He let his tongue move over Aaron’s encouraging the older man to open up for him. Their tongues danced together, seeking dominance over one another. Aaron pulled away, but a moment later was kissing and sucking at the soft sensitive area around Spencer’s neck. The noises that Spencer was making were driving Aaron crazy and it was almost enough to make him come right then and there.

All of a sudden Aaron got up off the bed and moved to his go bag. He pulled out a small bottle of lube and a condom and looked down at Spencer, “Only if you want to Spence…” Large dark lust blown eyes were looking down at the young agent and he just couldn’t resist it when Aaron looked at him that way.

“Yes, please…” The pleading was breaking Aaron’s heart, but right in this moment he would give anything at all to the beautiful Dr. Reid. He needed this as much as Spencer did. He needed to feel that body so alive and present. Aaron quickly stripped and moved back to the bed. He lay down on his side and encouraged Spencer to do the same. He didn’t want to put any strain on the abused foot, or any of the bruising that was just beginning to blossom. Aaron ran his hands lightly over the bruises, cursing the man who had put them there. He slicked up his fingers and gently played with his perineum. Slowly he inserted one digit in Spencer’s tight ass. He moved it in and out, encouraging the hole to loosen up, and after a couple of minutes of his ministrations he added a second. He hooked his fingers inside, stimulating the prostate driving Spencer crazy, groaning in pleasure. By the time Aaron added a third Spencer was slowly moving against Aaron’s hand encouraging his lover to continue.

Aaron was sucking and licking at the soft earlobe, and breathlessly asked again, “You’re certain? I don’t want to hurt you Spence…” Spencer couldn’t speak, the sensation of the hand stimulating his prostate along with Aaron’s mouth on his ear was driving him crazy. He nodded his head wildly. Aaron pulled his hand away and Spencer groaned in frustration, but he didn’t have to wait long before he felt Aaron’s hardness filling him, slowly and gently. Aaron got his left arm under Spencer and wrapped it around his chest and pulled Spencer slightly up so his head was on Aaron’s shoulder, his right arm wandered down to Spencer’s cock moving his hand up and down the hard shaft, twisting and pulling “Fucking hell Aaron,” Spencer was breathless and panting . Aaron made love slowly and gently to Spencer, keeping a lazy, but erotic pace. After a few minutes Spencer couldn’t take it anymore, the dual sensations of Aaron’s hand and cock was just too much and the orgasm hit him hard as he bucked into Aaron’s hand. Aaron, still holding onto Spencer sped up his pace slightly when he felt his own orgasm build, hearing the noises Spencer was making was too much and before he knew it the powerful orgasm ripped right through him. He buried his face in Spencer’s hair stifling the scream that wanted to escape “God, Spencer, so good, you feel so good”. When the last vestiges of the orgasm left him Aaron felt shudders coming from the young man being held securely in his arm. Spencer was sobbing. Aaron didn’t want to move so he felt for one of the pillows next to him and used it to wipe his hand. He then softly stroked Spencer’s hair, letting the young man cry.

“That’s right Spencer, let it out, let it all out. I’m here, I’m right here”. Aaron’s own eyes were wet but he didn’t want to cry, this was for Spencer. Aaron didn’t let go, but held on till he felt the young man calming down.

“Aa…Aaron?”

“Yes?”

“Would you be angry at me if I broke our rule?” Spencer was on the verge of crying again. And Aaron sensed this was a turning point, if he let Spencer say it, if he said it himself then what they shared would become real. If he didn’t let Spencer say it, it just might shatter them both. 

After a long debate with himself he made the decision, “No, no I wouldn’t be angry”.

“Aaron…I love you”, Spencer said quietly, holding his breath waiting to see what Aaron would say.

“Spencer,” There was a lump in Aaron’s throat, but he swallowed past it and said just as quietly, “I love you too”. 

“Just hold me Aaron, tell me that I’m safe, tell me you’ll always find me no matter what”.

“Spencer, you’re safe and I’ll always find you, no matter what”. Spencer reached up and grabbed Aaron’s arm and held on as he fought down the tears. He didn’t want to breakdown again. 

After a while Aaron pulled his arm out from under Spencer then got his lover to roll back on his back. He pulled off the condom, knotted it and disposed of it. He took the unsoiled extra pillows and put them back under Spencer’s foot elevating it and checking the bandage to make sure it was the right tension. Aaron went in the bathroom and cleaned up, grabbed a wet washcloth and proceeded to clean Spencer as well. He stretched out next to Spencer and threw an arm around his lover’s waist and they both slowly fell asleep.  
____________________________________________

Hotch woke with a start, he heard rustling and soft cursing. He was about to reach for his gun in the nightstand drawer when he noticed that Spencer wasn’t in bed. He came fully awake and slowly followed the sounds that were coming from the bathroom.

“Spencer?” Hotch quietly asked. He opened the door to the bathroom and what he saw and heard broke his heart. There was Spencer on the floor searching the pockets of his corduroy’s, over and over again.

“No no no no, where are they, where are they? Dammit, dammit where are they”. The desperation in Spencer’s voice stunned Hotch and he slowly lowered himself next to the young man. He reached out a hand and gently laid it on Spencer’s shoulder but he violently flinched at the touch.

“Did you take take them? Aaron, did you take them?” Spencer asked vehemently as he grabbed at Aaron’s arms, digging in with surprisingly strong fingers.

“Take what Spencer?” Though Hotch already knew and was afraid to hear the answer.

“From my pocket, DID YOU TAKE THEM?” Reid yelled.

Hotch closed his eyes a moment to get his emotions under control. He grabbed one of Spencer’s hands and slowly pried it off, “Yes I took them”. He stared hard at the man he loved.

“They weren’t yours, give them back. Dammit Aaron, give them back”. Spencer was desperate; the craving was strong, impossibly strong, especially after the nightmare that had woken him up.

Hotch took Reid’s face in his hands, “Spence, you don’t need it, you can beat this. We can get you help Spencer, you didn’t ask for this so don’t let it take you. Please, please don’t let it take you”. Hotch was looking in the frantic eyes of his lover.

“Give them back, please, please Aaron, I need it, I need it, it, it helps, please”. The begging man on the bathroom floor was breaking Hotch’s heart. 

Aaron said with a quaver to his voice, “I can’t Spencer, its gone”.

Spencer shot up, ignored the pain in his foot and rushed into the bedroom. He grabbed Aaron’s go bag and was tearing into it frantically looking for the drugs. He flung clothes, files, pens and pencils all over trying to find the vials. Hotch didn’t know what to do, he stood there paralyzed watching the desperate scene in front of him. Spencer found the small travel bag and dumped its contents on the bed and continued his frantic search. When he saw the vials there in the middle of Aaron’s toiletries he breathed a sigh of relief, until he held them up.

“No no no no no, what did you do? What did you do Aaron? Noooooo,” Aaron rushed up and grabbed Reid from behind and wrestled the young man down. Hotch held on through the struggle, not letting Reid go. Reid was crying and begging for the dilauded and Hotch couldn’t do anything but hold on.

All the while he was talking to Spencer, “You don’t need it Spencer, please don’t go down that road, not after tonight, not after making this real. You made us real Spencer, please…” Hotch continued to hang on, he buried his face in Spencer’s hair, quietly pleading and held the young man till he cried it out. 

“Help me Aaron,” Was all he said. Aaron got Spencer back on the bed, pulled him in close and held on. He held on through the night. He held on through the sweating and the mild shaking. He held on while Reid scratched at imaginary itching and he held on through the begging. They didn’t get much sleep, but Hotch didn’t care, as long as he held onto Spencer, everything would be fine, wouldn’t it? At least that was what Aaron was telling himself.  
\---------------------------------------------------  
The next day both men took fresh showers quickly packed up to leave. Spencer helped Aaron retrieve all of his things from his go bag. Aaron noticed, though, that he looked anxious, eyes darting everywhere. 

“Spencer, you’ve got to pull yourself together. Come on, do you want something to eat?”

“I don’t know if I can. I feel nauseous, maybe just some coffee”. Aaron grabbed their bags in one hand and helped Spencer down to the small café attached to the hotel. The rest of the team was there waiting. They saw that Reid was anxious but they just chalked it up to his recent ordeal. He tried to drink some coffee, but the bitter liquid curled in his stomach. 

“Hey kid, you okay?” Morgan asked, concern showing in his eyes.

“Yeah, Morgan” Reid cleared his throat, “I’m, I’m fine. I just want to get home”.

“Okay then, let’s get you home”. No one said anything more because honestly, they didn’t know what to say.

Once on the plane Aaron settled Reid on the small couch helping Reid to fold his long limbs so that his foot was elevated and protected. He sat in one of the chairs facing it, keeping an eye on his lover. It didn’t take long for the exhausted young man to fall asleep. After a little while Aaron noticed that Reid was distressed and mumbling to himself. He got up and moved to the couch where he placed Reid’s head in his lap. The young agent unconsciously wrapped his free arm around Aaron’s waist and settled in. Aaron turned his head into the side panel and let silent tears fall.

Everyone on the plane pretended not to notice as they each sat back and fell asleep, not having slept much themselves the previous night. JJ was watching the two men through half closed eyes and noticed that something had changed. There was a new depth of emotion between the two men and if she didn’t know any better, she would say that Aaron Hotchner was in love with Spencer Reid. It was in the little things, the way he laid his hand on Spencer’s shoulder, how he softly stroked the young man’s hair and how he held Spencer when he stirred. She watched and was secretly happy for them. She’d only met Haley a few times but felt there was something false about the two of them. She knew Aaron cared very deeply for Haley, but he didn’t always act like a man in love with his wife. JJ was anything but stupid. She had noticed how they had gone for coffee or lunch more often or sat closer to each other on the plane. Aaron’s hand lingering on Spencer’s shoulder when they worked on victimology or a geographic profile, hands ‘accidentally’ touching when passing files. It was only a matter of time before the other’s noticed as well. She just hoped that this didn’t end in disaster for the two of them. What she did know was that she would help to protect them. They were her family, and JJ would do anything for them.


	2. The Fifth Time - Maybe the last

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Spencer's spiral continues, but maybe, just maybe there is hope after all.

_Then:_

Aaron took Spencer home and no one argued. He got the young man settled in and comfortable, double checking the bandage around the foot and making sure Spencer was not putting too much pressure on it. Haley knew he was staying for a couple of days to make sure Spencer was going to be okay. 

They were tough days, Spencer started to feel the effects of withdrawal and Aaron had begged him to go to the hospital. Spencer continually refused, said that he could ‘tough it out’. So, Aaron did the only thing he could, he held Spencer at night, helped him change sweaty clothes and massaged his painful aching muscles. Aaron also kept him hydrated and tried to get him to eat foods that would stay down. When Monday came Aaron had to leave early to get home so he could properly shower and change. Before heading into the office he stopped and checked in on Spencer one more time. The worst of the withdrawal seemed to be passing and Aaron kissed Spencer long and deep, hoping it would show his lover that he was there for him. Aaron told him to take the week off and either him or Morgan would come and check on him. Spencer protested saying he could take care of himself, but Aaron insisted. 

A couple of days later Hotch came to check on the young man and Spencer seemed surprisingly better. Maybe the worst was over, thought Hotch, hoping for it to be true. 

It was the same for Morgan, Spencer seemed to be doing better, and rather quickly. So Morgan left his best friend and hoped that Spencer would be able to get past this. 

What neither man knew was that Spencer left in the early afternoon on Monday and found a supplier. By Monday afternoon he was high as a kite, trying to forget.  
_______________________________________________  
 _Reid: It's the crime scene photos._

_Morgan: Crime scene photos?_

_Reid: The dead girls in the leaves._

_Morgan: Reid, we've seen worse._

_Reid: I know, I know we've seen worse, but for the first time I know, I look at them and, I look at them and I know what they were thinking, what they were feeling like right before..._

New York was tough. Spencer, several times during the day excused himself to the restroom, locking the door and stared at himself in the mirror. He stood there each time holding the vials, a war going on inside him. He knew he couldn’t keep doing this to himself, but damn the craving, the feeling of euphoria when that sweet liquid was running through his veins. The problem? He was starting to seek out more, trying to find that first high that he experienced in that shack when Hankel first shot him up. He stared at his reflection, face gaunt and pasty, he knew he’d lost some weight, but was trying to hide it. His concentration was waning and he saw both Aaron and Gideon watching him. ‘I need help’ he told himself, but maybe, maybe just one more time. He knew he was taking too long, so he put the vials back in his bag and held off, at least for now. He walked back to the bullpen and saw Aaron staring at the map with the geographic profile.

“Are you alright?” Aaron asked with an edge to his voice.

“I’m, I’m fine why do you ask?” Spencer tried to keep his voice calm.

Aaron swallowed and looked to the side at Spencer. He knew, he knew Spencer was using again. He said in a quiet measured voice, “Because you’re agitated, nervous, you keep zoning out. If you need help…”

“I don’t. I’m fine, and seriously Aaron, how are you going to help me?” He moved closer to his boss and said in a dark sarcastic tone, “You going to fuck me again? Going to make me do what you want? Well I can’t live like that…”

Aaron’s face turned stony and he said just as quietly, but with a dangerous tone to his voice, “Spencer, this is not the time or the place. We have 5 dead girls and one missing. I just need to know you have your head in the game here”.

“Yeah, I do, so if you’ll back off and let me do this, you might get some more answers”. 

Aaron turned to say something to Spencer when he noticed the commotion at the station house door. From there on the case moved fairly quickly and they found Ally Hadley alive and they got the unsub in custody. They helped the police with paperwork, grabbing their own, the team was able to get on the plane and head towards home in the early afternoon. 

Aaron was watching Reid with Morgan and saw the personal exchange, he was glad that Morgan was helping Reid, hopefully the older man might get through to him.

Gideon came to sit in front of Aaron, “He’s strong, he’ll get through this. We just have to let him”.

Aaron looked hard at Jason, “I know how difficult addiction is Jason, I saw it with Sean, I see the signs with Reid. I don’t think leaving him alone to deal with this by himself is the best thing”.

“Hotch, like I said he’s strong. I believe he’ll get the help he needs. We should let him work it out”.

Hotch just nodded his head, but deep down in his heart he knew Gideon was wrong. He just didn’t know what to do about this. He turned away, telling Jason that the conversation was over.  
_______________________________________________________________  
 _Prentiss: What is the matter with you?_

_Reid: What do you mean, what's the matter with me?_

_Prentiss: I have never seen you act like this._

_Reid: Oh, really? In the months that you've known me, you've never seen me act this way? Hey, no offense, Emily, but you don't really know what you're talking about, do ya?_

The team got back home from Texas late. Aaron saw Reid stalk off towards his car and just watched as the young agent got out of there as fast as he could. He knew he was going to have to confront Reid about his attitude and the other obvious changes, though he had a sinking feeling he knew where it was coming from. He thought it best to confront Reid at his apartment rather than at the office. He really didn’t want to get Strauss involved, there was already a certain tension between the two of them lately and he didn’t want to pile this one on as well. 

Aaron dropped off the case files at his desk, gathered some paperwork he was going to do at home in the morning and stopped at Spencer’s apartment.

Aaron knocked, but there was no answer. So he knocked harder and said through the door “Reid… Spencer, let me in”. Spencer stalked to the door and flung it open.

“What?”

Aaron settled his face into his office mask, he was not up to playing games tonight. “We need to talk”.

“Do we? And what the fuck do we need to talk about?”

“For starters how about this attitude you’ve been throwing around lately, and do you really want to do this with me standing in the hallway?” Hotch glared at the young man, almost willing Spencer to let him in.

Reid opened the door further, but stalked off into the middle of his living room. Aaron, shut the door behind him and took three long strides over to Reid and before Spencer could react Hotch grabbed his right arm, pushed the shirt up to the elbow and confirmed his suspicions.

“Goddammit Spencer, what the hell are you doing?”

“None of your damn business,” Reid glared at Hotch yanking his arm out of the older man’s grasp.

Hotch stood with his legs apart, arms crossed over his chest and his best Unit Chief stare, “It is my business Reid, when you snap at other team members, zone out in the middle of briefings and tell someone that a potential serial killer could be loose in their shelter. Jason has already come to me asking if I knew what the hell was going on with you. I thought you were in a program”.

“Why do you care? I’m just ‘the boy genius’ to Jason, and your sometime fuck buddy nothing more”. Reid turned his back on Hotch, not wanting to see the hurt look on his lover’s face.

“Spencer,” Aaron said with anguish in his voice, “You know that isn’t true. Spencer,” Aaron walked-up behind Spencer and went to put his arms around the young man.

Reid spun away, “Don’t fucking touch me Aaron”. He violently pushed his Unit Chief away from him.

“Spencer, I thought you were getting help. What is going on, talk to me please,” Aaron was practically begging for his lover to talk to him.

Reid’s face was unreadable, Aaron thought he knew the young man inside and out, but this, this was a different Spencer Reid. “I don’t want you Aaron”. Spencer looked right in Aaron’s face and he saw, anger, fear and pain all written there.

“Spencer, you don’t mean that,” Aaron’s pulse was racing and his heart was beating too fast. Was Spencer ending things? What was going on?

“Oh, what you’re telling me what I feel now? Don’t you think I know how I feel?”

“Then talk to me Spencer, just…just talk to me, tell me what you feel”.

Spencer gave out a short laugh, “You come to me only when something truly terrible happens, and I let you every damn time. Then you go off to your pretty little wife and your pretty little son in your expensive house and your seemingly perfect life and leave me behind,” Spencer was angry, he stalked to his messenger bag and pulled out one of the vials of dilauded he constantly kept on him, “THIS,” he shouts, “This helps me forget”. Aaron didn’t make a move, he was too stunned.

“What? What are you trying to forget, Hankel? Reid, what you went through can’t be fixed with that. You need to talk to someone to help you let it go…”

Reid laughed and shook his head “That’s not what it helps me forget. Don’t you get it Aaron?”

“What are you saying to me Spence?” Aaron’s heart was beating faster and his anxiety was rising. He felt he knew what Reid was going to say and he wanted nothing more than to stop his lover from saying it.

“ It helps me forget that I love you and that you can’t be bothered to make a goddamn choice. Well you know what Aaron? I’m making the choice, we’re done”.

“Spencer, please, please don’t do this…”

“Then MAKE A FUCKING CHOICE Aaron because I can’t be with you again and watch you walk out that door. I’m not your goddamn whore. Now, if you can’t do that then please leave”.

“Not yet. Spencer,” Aaron made a move towards Reid who backed away, “Spencer, please I love you…”

“Then make your choice Aaron”. Spencer said quietly and Aaron heard the pain and anguish in the young man’s voice.

“I…” Aaron couldn’t he couldn’t choose between Spencer and Haley. He loved them both and it was driving him mad. He knew he was taking too long but he knew he couldn’t give Spencer what he wanted.

“That’s what I thought. Now, please leave”.

“Not until you tell me you’re going to get help,” Aaron stalked up to Spencer, violently grabbed the vial out of his hand, then grabbed the messenger bag and dumped its contents. He found two more vials. “You need to stop this Reid. You don’t need this, it could end your career and worse than that…” By sheer will Aaron was holding back his emotions. He wasn’t going to breakdown at least not in front of Spencer. “You could die Spencer, please, if you don’t want me, want us then fine I’ll leave and we’ll keep it professional from now on, but you need to get help”. What Spencer couldn’t see was just how much Aaron’s heart was breaking.

“Give me those Aaron,” Reid’s heart was pounding and his pulse was beating wildly, he was afraid of what Aaron was going to do.

“No”. Aaron walked to the sink in Spencer’s kitchen, grabbed the hammer he knew was in one of the drawers, put the vials in the sink and proceeded to smash them.

“NO, What, what are you doing?” Reid ran up to try to stop Aaron, but the older man had held him at arm’s length.

“Trying to save your damn life, get help Spencer. Now, I know you could walk out that door and seek out more, but I am begging you, don’t please don’t. Fine, you want to end this, fine, but think of JJ, think of Morgan, how do you think they would feel if you died because of this”. Aaron held up one of the broken vials, hoping to get through to Spencer.

“Aaron, you need to leave”. The two men looked at each other an obvious battle of wills was going on, “Now”.

“Spencer…” Aaron saw the dark look that Spencer was giving him and he knew things were over. He didn’t let Spencer see what this was doing to him, so he turned sharply and walked out the door. He left Spencer there hoping that he wouldn’t go seek out his drug of choice. All the way back home Aaron denied how much this was killing him.

It was very late when he stalked in the house. He flung his coat and briefcase on the couch, grabbed the bottle of scotch and a glass and went to his office. He stripped off his jacket and tie, loosenedd his shirt and poured himself a generous amount of alcohol. He sat down hard in his office chair wanting nothing other than to get well and truly drunk.

Haley heard him come in. Aaron hadn’t come upstairs yet so she waited a few more minutes then went to go look for him. She found him in his study with only the small desk light on and nursing a glass of scotch with a half full bottle next to him. Haley figured something happened, Aaron didn’t usually like to get drunk. He’d had too many horrific encounters with a drunk father and Aaron usually held back.

“Aaron?” She stepped inside the office and went to turn on the light.

“Don’t turn on the light,” There was a dark edge to her husband’s voice “Just go back to bed Haley, I’d really like to be alone right now”.

“Aaron, what’s going on? Was it a bad case?”

“Haley, please, just go back to bed”.

“Are you coming up?”

“Eventually. Like I said I just need to be alone, please just…just go back to bed”. Aaron was getting angry at his wife. He didn’t want to see anyone, he just wanted to get drunk and not think. He didn’t want to think about how he lost Spencer, how his indecision was hurting not only himself but the one person he loved more than anything. He just couldn’t bring himself to leave Haley.

Haley was getting upset. This wasn’t like Aaron so she knew something was going on.

“Not until you tell me what is going on”. Her voice was hard edged and angry.

“Haley, now is really not the time”.

Haley narrowed her eyes at Aaron and tried to think what could put her husband in this type of mood. Then it hit her, she said with venom in her voice, “This is about _him_ isn’t it?”

Aaron quirked up a brow and tried to figure out how she knew, they’d been so careful, “Yes Aaron I know. I’ve known for a while, so don’t play games, just admit it”.

Aaron closed his eyes and leaned back in his chair, “Haley…”

“Just don’t lie to me anymore Aaron”.

“Haley, can we talk about this later? I am not in the mood for games and I’d really like it if you left me alone right now”. She knew she should back off, but she really wanted Aaron to admit what was going on.

“No Aaron, not until you tell me the goddamned truth”.

“FINE,” He yelled and threw the glass he was holding against the wall, smashing it completely. He hadn’t meant to, but he was hurting and frustrated, “You want the truth? Yes I’ve been having a relationship with Spencer Reid. Is that what you want to hear?”

“Aaron, why? Just tell me why”.

“It’s complicated…”

“NO, it’s not, are you in love with him?” Anger and pain was lacing every word.

“Haley…” Aaron was pleading with his wife not to ask any more questions.

“Oh my god, you are. You’re in love with him”. She turned away from him trying to hide the fact that she wanted to cry.

Aaron was resigned, now the two people he loved were both angry at him. He looked at Haley, eyes wet and shoulders slumped, “Yes. I love him, is that what you want to hear?”

Haley looked at Aaron with tears in her eyes, “Then you need to figure out what you want Aaron. If he’s really what you want…I won’t stand in your way”.

“It doesn’t matter now anyway, he ended things because I wouldn’t choose between the two of you…”

“What are we going to do about this Aaron?”

He looked at his wife for the first time in a long time and realized something. Even though he loved Haley, he wasn’t in love with her. He hadn’t been for quite a while, but he wasn’t going to watch Spencer slowly kill himself. So, for now at least, he was going to stay.

“I guess I’m staying, please Haley, just…just let me be alone right now”. Haley saw how much Aaron was truly hurting, she wanted not to care, wanted to become the vindictive bitch, but she knew that wasn’t going to help anyone. She also didn’t want to hurt Jack. She knew how much Aaron loved his son, so she nodded her head, turned on her heel and left the room.

Hotch stalked off to get a new glass and poured himself more of the scotch and practically downed it in one go. After a while he laid on the couch in his office and tried to fall asleep.

Meanwhile, Spencer was passed out on his couch with a needle stuck in his arm and high on dilauded. Aaron hadn’t found his hidden stash, and he just wanted to forget that he ended things with SSA Aaron Hotchner.  
__________________________  
 _Ethan: John Coltrane. He was a genius too. Died of cancer. But most people think it was the booze and the heroin that did him in._

_Reid: What are you trying to say?_

_Ethan: You look like hell._

_Reid: I'm fine._

_Ethan: Come on man, I'm a jazz musician in New Orleans, I know what it looks like when someone's not well. It's maybe the one time I can tell you something you don't already know. [points at Reid's drink] It may make you forget, but it won't make it go away. And if I can tell... You're surrounded by some of the best minds in the world. If you think they don't notice...[mimes trembling hands] well, for a genius, that's just dumb._

The team noticed not only that Reid was struggling, but they noticed that things had changed between Aaron and Reid. There were no more lingering touches and no more sitting close on the plane. Reid sat at the opposite end during briefings. They noticed no more lunch breaks together, no more spontaneous coffee breaks, no more dinners out together. No one wanted to comment, it wasn’t their place but they noticed. Hotch was more intense, Reid was fidgety and agitated, though he tried to hide it well. So, the team just kept quiet. They saw that both men were hurting, but no one knew how to help them.

Aaron was finishing up the paperwork from the New Orleans case when Jason came in, sat down and waited.

“Jason, it’s late, go home”.

“I should be telling you that. Go home Aaron, to your family”. Aaron turned dark stormy eyes on his senior profiler.

“Are you trying to tell me something Jason?”

“What’s going on with you and Spencer?” 

Aaron put down his pen, sat back, narrowed his eyes and stared stonily at his one-time boss, “Why do you ask that?”

“Did things…run their course?”

“How dare you…Jason, he’s hurting, part of it is my fault, but we’ve left him twisting in the wind. Don’t you think I know that he missed that plane on purpose? You’re supposed to be his mentor, why aren’t you helping him?”

“He said he won’t miss another plane. He loves the job too much”.

Aaron laughed a little, “Jason, he’s an addict and it is starting to show through. He is not just going to ‘get over it’. You care about him? Then help me to help him”.

“He can handle it. I believe in him, maybe you should to Aaron”. Gideon got up and walked out the door. Aaron looked after him and wondered if Jason knew just how wrong he was. Reid needed help and Aaron hoped that soon he’d ask for it.  
_______________________________________  
 _Det. Castro: Okay, this scumbag has issues. We all get it. But why fire?_

_Reid: He's, uh, like a drug addict. Only fire's his drug, and each time an addict needs a fix, they need more of the drug to get off. So his crimes will most likely get much worse. Be almost impossible for him to quit without help._

_Hotch: Thank you very much._

Aaron looked down at Reid as he was giving his part of the profile and thought, ‘and there it is, finally’. He wanted to put a hand on Reid’s shoulder to tell him he understood, but he didn’t. He didn’t think Reid would want his touch, but he tried to convey with a nod that he understood.

Later that night Hotch watched in horror as the building with Evan Abby in it blew up. He knew there was nothing he could do, but it didn’t stop him from wanting to try. Through all of his pain, all of his frustrations of the last few months he was able to identify on some level with Abby and felt like he failed the man. Morgan and Gideon had to hold him back from running into a dangerous gas fire and he felt helpless. 

“He wanted his death to mean something”. Aaron’s mask fell, his emotions leaked through and he didn’t know what to do with it. 

When they got back to the station Aaron was just sitting at the conference room table trying to understand the events of the last couple of days. The fire captain gave him a letter from Abby which Aaron put aside for the time being. He finished up at the fire station then headed into the FBI offices. He didn’t really want to go home yet and he didn’t want to talk to anyone, so he closed his door, turned down the blinds and sat there staring at the paperwork to be filled out to put this case to rest. 

After a few minutes he heard a soft knock on the door, but ignored it. He heard it again and figured that whoever it was wasn’t going away. “Come in”, he said resignedly. He expected it be Jason, but it wasn’t. When he turned around and looked up he saw Spencer.

“Spencer…”

“Aaron, can I…can I come in?” The young man was tentative and shy around him lately.

Aaron sighed, “Alright, but Spencer I really…”

Spencer smiled and walked over to Hotch’s desk and placed a coin in the middle of Aaron’s desk. Hotch picked it up and turned it around several times in his hand.

“This is a 24 hour commitment coin,” Aaron looked at Reid and a small smile graced his lips.

“I’m uh, I’m trying. You were right, it’s killing me and I made all kinds of excuses. So, I just wanted you to know. I thought you could…I don’t know you looked like you could use a little bit of good news”.

“Spencer,” Aaron breathed a sigh, “Sit down, please”. Spencer came in the room and took a seat across from Aaron’s desk. Aaron handed the coin back to Spencer, “You should keep this. It’ll help remind you of what you started”.

“Aaron, I’m sorry for the things I said, you know, after Texas…” Reid swallowed hard, he knew it was going to be difficult, he just hadn’t realized how difficult.

“No, don’t apologize, you had every right. But Spencer, I wasn’t…I hadn’t meant….” Aaron closed his eyes and let his head fall into his hands, he wasn’t sure what it was he was trying to say. He cleared his throat and looked at the man he still loved, but couldn’t have, “I never meant to make you feel like you were some kind of, you know…I’m sorry Spencer”.

“I’m sorry too. Can we…can we just go back to being friends again? I miss being your friend”.

Aaron smiled a genuine smile, the kind where his dimples showed through and it made Spencer’s heart flutter. Before Aaron knew what was happening Spencer came behind Aaron’s desk and kissed him. It was a slow, gentle, sweet kiss and Aaron’s heart skipped a beat. When Spencer pulled back he felt the loss, but at the same time his world righted just a little.

“Aaron, that doesn’t mean I want things to go back to the way they were, but every once-in-a-while, I’d like to reserve the right to kiss you. Kiss you just enough, enough to know that the world isn’t spinning out of control”.

Aaron’s mouth quirked in a playful smile, “I’d like that”.

Spencer made good on his promise and there appeared a coin on Aaron’s desk, it was 30 days this time. Each time Spencer left a coin, Aaron would keep it for the day then give it back to the young man at the end of the day, where they would make good on their reservation of a kiss. And so some small things returned, the gentle pats on the shoulder, the extra coffee breaks, lunches out together. It started slow but the team noticed. They noticed that Spencer and Aaron were back on even footing, back to being friends and they were finally all healing, together, as a family.

The only one who stood apart, was Jason. Since Hankel Jason hadn’t found his footing, and slowly, day after day, unsub after unsub it was chipping away at him. He didn’t express his feelings, he was a little too much like Hotch in that respect, but he was pulling away, he didn’t let the very people that cared about him help him. He felt a change coming and he hoped he was prepared for whatever consequences lay ahead.


End file.
